this is it. iv finaly admited to the problem. i have been running from it all this while. i know im in the wrong. i do take people for granted. im sorry. i hate it when people take me for granted. but i do it too. im sorry. so im not perfect. sighx. i hate this. i do not have one friend that i can say has been with me from young? i cant. im just not made to have these sorta friendships. somebody prove me wrong now.. quick!! sighx. its horrid. this feeling of looking back? an not having someone to be able to share things with. but.. i dont know.. maybe its the way i was programmed. sighx. then i hate this prg then. sighx.. in pri school.. it was those girls. but then i went to sc.. an the rest stayed in the west area. it just never worked out? me goin over to meet them after school. then in sc? it was zi. really really. but then.. we always did quarrel. an now, she's back but im no where in the picture. madtz? i just didn manage to change as fast as she did i suppose. joyce? i dont know.. an then there are the girls. rosie, lauren, celine an swas. i cant help but feel that we'v drifted. tho we do meet up an all.. the fact is we have drifted. its not like i dont have fun with them anymore. but its different. like, we were never really from the same world? but sc brought us together. now.. sc's no more.. an that void is just being made more obvious. to me at least. then there are my jc friends. yea.. for now that is. im already losing them. somehow.. i can feel it. i just dont have faith that it'd last anymore?

thanx for trying to help. if i were him, i wouldn want this kinda thing actually? but ya. thanx for helping anyway. you're just making a choice to what you wanna do. but ya. i wish i could just not let my pride get in the freakin way. i cant seem to put it down. im sorry. its like, a pathetic screen that's up.. an i cant tear it down. an its blocking me from everything. but i cant tear it down. i cant. i dont know how to..

i know iv been taking you for granted time and time again. i know. i know its selfish for me to say this.. but this is me? i dont know.. i really dont know. who am i anyway? was i suppose to turn out like this?

my god. i abhor this exsistence sometimes. an everything just doesn seem to be helping.