somehow, sometimes, what appears to be.. just might not be what it really is..

how true angel.. how true. sighx. i cant take this? i should be happy. im talking to the people that matter in my life now.. my friends. but as i talk. to each one of them a different thing.. everything seems to come together to try to make me wake up? to make me realise that this is all but a farce.

who am i trying to kid? myself i suspect. i dont know. its like im trying to pretend to myself that everythings alright. an that im okay now. its like. if i dont lie to myself. who will? nobody man. its every man for himself. nobody gives a shit. yea.

i think im happy. but seriously am i really? i dont know. its like, its come to a point where i dont even know what the bloody fuck im thinking an feeling? like how fucking sad is that?

but if i dont lie to myself.. what do you expect me to do? wallow in self-pity an misery all the time? that's impossible.. i'd piss the shit outta everyone.. including myself? so what am i supposed to do now?

its like.. im trying to run away. to make myself.. force myself.. but on the surface.. i dunno how real it looks. but deep down.. when i get back home.. i know it wasn? i dunno. i know what im doing aint right? it aint healthy. but what do you want me to do? this is all i know.. this is all i can do.. tell me what to do then?

i just wanna get away from this all.. really. please. everyday i say it to myself. then.. when can it really happen?

screw this all man.. you dont care. you really dont. you dont give a SHIT about me. then why do i bother to give a damn about you? ugh..

i dont wanna hate. but...