dear osiris

do you remember the first time you and horus came home? it's kinda fuzzy (don't blame me.. it was afterall 13-14 years ago!) but i remember being really excited about ju jie bring kittens home. like, finally! mummy relented!! haha..

i remember at that point, we haven't even bought the kitty litter yet.. we had to make do with newspaper.. but seeing the two of you sitting at the kitchen.. so small and scared.. it just melted my heart. i remember thinking to myself that you had a really nice diamond-shaped pattern on your head.

do you remember your first home? its the corner where the fridge stands now. i remember opening the make-shift cupboard "door" and sitting with you guys.. you were the one that purred sooo hard. so hard that i really thought it was your tummy rumbling. and that you were hungry. so i happily gave you two more food even though i wasn't supposed to.

but of course.. your territory expanded.. you guys started escaping from that lil' corner.. and soon.. you guys expanded to the entire kitchen.. we managed to control you for oh.. 2 months? before you started expanding again. soon it was the living room.. and then the bedrooms as well.

i remember taking sooo many pictures of you too.. you guys were such frisky lil' kittens.. how could we resist? i wish i had taken more tho.

the way you two would sleep together.. chase each other around the house. fight to play with the toys we brought out. compete to see who got the lizard first. silly cats..

do you remember sleeping on top of the television set? haha. i guess you liked it there cuz it was warmer. but it was such a pain trying to watch tv with your tail swishing at the screen. so distracting! or when you fell off the set? priceless laa.

you had us blown when we discovered you liked durians. expensive, good durians at that. how you would scoff at the lousier fruits.. only eating the best.

you were always the one that i was closer to. i could never figure horus out. him and his slippery ways. haha. you were the one that would clamber onto me to lick at my collar. i'd hear your purrs.. and feel your claws digging into me.. but i think that gave you comfort.. as i too grew to like those lil' moments myself.

after horus left.. i still remember vividly that evening actually. the way you sounded when i came home. it just broke my heart. you had lost your best friend. your brother. i couldn't help crying for you the tears you couldn't.

but we did have some good times together right? after horus left.. its like you permanently moved to stay in my room. the corner of my bed can prove it. i think you murdered 3 sets of bedsheets.

you're such a silly cat you know? you got to be so sticky! sleeping with me.. going to the bath with me. you never did wanna let me outta your sight. silly baby. didn't you know i'd never abandon you?

not even when alex and i were studying would you give up. you'd claim our attention by sitting directly on top of our notes. or if we'd managed to push you to a corner.. you'd make sure your tail was swishing at us. silly cat.

i'm sorry for not being tolerant towards you.. i'm sorry for all the times i've hit you. all the times i've locked you out of the room.. of the times i went on holidays and was not around to sleep with you.

and now you're not at home as i type this. you're not around to annoy me by clambering about the keyboard. or by sitting on the mouse. i hope that as i type this. you've managed to get some rest at the vet's.. and that your neighbours are keeping things down.

osiris.. i really always thought that you would be around with me during my wedding. that i'd be able to take pictures with you when i'm all dressed up in my gown. that you'd be around to accompany me on that very special day. but it seems you wouldn't be able to. why did the years past so fast? why did i not treasure you more. why is it that we only realize our mistakes when there isn't enough time left?

if i'm so upset now.. i don't know how i would be when the time comes. am i wrong for wanting to end your misery? for wanting to decide your life? would you hate me? i just don't want you to suffer. as i saw how much weight you lost since horus left, it just broke my heart. i can't imagine seeing you waste yourself away.

but i will miss you you know? how you'd clamber to hide inside the blankets when a storm's approaching.. how i would wake up and see you peering down at me. how i would realize that you've actually managed to open the door on your own.. and that you are in the room again.

how? how could i possible live with the knowledge that you're not gonna be around.. that you're not lying on my bed or my table? how can one so small.. take up such a big space in my room.. my life.. my heart? i just can't imagine life without you..

but now i have to make the decision. would you think me heartless? but i just don't want to see you in pain.

everyone loves you.. we all love you so much. even emi jie told me she's sad. and pa can't bear to let you go.

why isn't there miracles?

i just turned to my table.. thinking that you're there beside me as i type this. giving me that look. but you're not.

i love you so much osiris. so much so much.