ugh. its a downward spiral. ugh. hate this

it hurt dammit. it hurt. its like, being slapped in the face, only this time, its my ego that's bruised. look, i know i dont get much. i dont get any in fact. but thanks for pointing it out in my face. felt like i was being spat at. i swear

i have to admit. im human. i get jealous too. how do you think it feels to always play second fiddle? to always be the other one. the one that tags along. dammit, it doesn feel good. so maybe i'v gotten used to it. but well, i was reminded today, and it hurts

i know im not pretty. never said i was. but i never do mope about my looks. im not that sort. i love myself. but well, doesn help when facts are just screaming in your face. i dont really expect you to know how i feel anyway

why must it be that the person that brought me so much happiness also brought me so much sadness?

why cant i be one half of those happy couples parading down the streets? so maybe im really just depressed. but what do you expect me to do? what do you expect me to feel?

true that i expected my results, but things just aren going my way. things are in a mess. im in a freaking mess. im really lost right now. and there doesn seem to be anything for me to hold on to. anything for me to lean on. i swear i feel like im all alone in this world.

i did it again

seriously. i feel fucking alone. i do. i mean. look, everyone goes thru these sorta things once in a while? but i just bloody hell feel that its been too long a while. i seem to have been stuck in here for just too long a time. since the beginning of december. its already march. i cant seem to point out a period of time i was blissed. none. happy yes. but not totally happy

im not always happy. i can not always smile.

so maybe im not a good friend. you think i dont know that? iv never been one. right from the beginning. i was an evil kid right from the start. sorry man. that's just me.

sometimes i begin to wonder who is this person i call "me"

please, let me get out of this. really really. i cant afford this. i cant allow myself to sink in. cuz i dont like it. i hate it. i simply hate it. please just let me get out off this seemingly bleak existence. please.

please..